Today, my kids dragged me out of the wrong side of the bed with a thud, not in a literal fashion but they might as well of.
The older of the two dragged her heels getting ready for school this morning so her step-dad left her at home due to impatience (which was partially understandable). I then called her up soon after asking her to get dressed, she said okay and toddled on down the stairs... I check on her in 30 mins, nothing! She's playing! I then ask her again, more sternly this time... 20 mins later, STILL nothing, in fact now she's doing something she's not suppose to be, still not dressed. Next request, still nothing! It wasn't until I raised my voice considerably to get her to get in gear! Finally, she's dressed! But, she's wearing a nice shirt with -sweat- pants! Yikes! Ask her to change her bottoms, she changes into a different colored pair of sweat pants! *Eye roll, followed with a heavy frustrated sigh*, I send her to change yet AGAIN, finally, a nice pair of jeans with her nice shirt. Sucess! Now, to battle the hair and teeth brushing... You guessed it, forever later, finally done! I get her little brother ready, he's nothing but crying and kicking, obviously not feeling well (we are all either just getting over a cold, or are on our ways to getting over it...), I get him dressed and off we go, it's NOON! I drop her off at school, then head to the mall to visit a friend and get some photos for the little guy with firemen, that was fun... mostly... other than the fact that my lil guy wouldn't wear the jacket or put on the hat.... Finally, i get him to at least wear the hat, but I had to too.. *Click* Yay, photo!
Move forward with the day, I come home and rest... sorta, promptly I gotta go get Tanisha, then went to see a friend to get a DVD, on the way back from there I'm turning out of the street and this one guy, who has his signal on (Signal = turning, right?), newp. He nearly t-bones me because he apparently has no idea he's signalling and I'd been fooled to think he was actually going to follow through because he'd slowed down a bit... You can guess the nasty look and hand signals i got from him! *insert anotehr eye-roll here!*.
Parts of the day are a blur, we get the general stuff done - complaning children, whiney toddler, talkative intermediate student... It comes around Dinner time and I receive a text from my daughters father's wife explaining to me that a friend of theirs is on life-support and in the hospital, okay... That, in my eyes should not interfere with a court-set schedule, plus, if this was me I'd have to arrange a sitter, pay that sitter, and ya know, if i found a sitter in the first place (rare), but we'll say i did... then go! Do I have the luxury of calling her 'father' up saying "oh, yada yada yada, can you keep her longer?", no! Schedule, schedule, schedule! Plus, she's looking forward to see him! Is it fair that she suffers because of something that's out of everyone's control, plus, I guess what pissed me off most is that when they requested to come get her the next morning she didn't actually request, she told me! When I came back at her with a bit of irritation explaining to her why this is so not okay, she then admits it was -apparently- her grandfather, okay - so slightly different story, but regardless, my daughter's 'father' is capable of driving we think...? After a few irritating text messages that just increase in annoying tones, it ceases with a "we'll be there to get her tonight, soon :)"... Kay... Great, when? She -does- have a bed time, and a set expectation for him to come get her. My daughter insted on calling him, so she did... he gave her a semi-indefinite answer leaving her sad and uncertain. I shortly after that get a text that says "I'm on my way (this is the wife who's grandfather is on life support), make sure she's ready".. Um, what?! Seriously?! They're the one's who are 2 hours + late and they're telling me what to do? She's been ready since half an hour before they were suppose to be here! I inform her of this, she then tells me that she doesn't need my attitude, have her ready... I felt like saying "Fuck you!", but I realize I'm having a bad day so I refrain and just shake my head and move on... Finally, her father comes and gets her, late! Past her bedtime.
Now, my next dilemma is un-hurting my husbands feelings - why are his feelings hurt you ask? Because he was ranting in a slightly playful manner about 'there's pork in the ingredients of these beans but I have yet to find pork in here, we should email them.... yada yada" this is where I tuned out and snapped telling him I quite honestly didn't care about the beans, they were the last thing on my mind at that moment... Now, he's upset. What's new?! He's evolved into a woman it seems now-a-days, his feelings are constantly getting hurt, I can't do shit right and I might as well toss my cards in as his wife because I fail at it! Fuck it! I am irritated as all hell when it comes to my marriage, but I suppose that's a whole other blog post... or is it not? Since this is primarily a venting forum for me when others are unavailable. So much for that. I'm just gonna start coming here when I need to vent, at least I can depend on it - sure it fails as a sounding board, but what the fuck ever. I luv my gf so much, but sometimes she pulls the seeminly selfish card - there's no communication really, it just wasn't like it was - I miss that, I miss her to her full extent, she's more amazing than I think she even realizes... One day she will. One day. But aside from all that, back to the feelings at hand.... she makes me feel like I put a semi-priority on her (my kids are obviously priority), and she put's a hold priory on me - who cares, right? Perhaps it's my perception, I know she's busy and I know she's depressed, but it still hurts me and I'm not sure if she realizes that beyond the basic words I've set out infront of her via msn messenger or texting (Note to all, those are bad ways to communicate). - To give credit though, a guy-friend of mine has been patient with my ranting texts today, I appreciate that, and I appreciate him. Sincerely. I'm sure today woulda been worse if I didn't have him and his cell phone to text-rant at.
I don't like my life, I love my kids - just wish I was in love with the man I was married to. I wish he loved ME ~ not his idea of me. I don't necessarily want that fairytail shit, I just want something where I can be me, where I can show someone the real me and know that I'm not gonna get a head shake or a dissapointed down-glance. I want someone who knows I'm independent and doesn't make frequent attempts to control who I am and what I do - doesn't try to modify me into the typical housewife their mom is... I do my share more when I'm not being held at dick-point to do it! Fuck, when him and I sperated, I had no probalem with my common chores, taking care of the kids and so on - my only downfall was a lack of money and emotional support. Next time will be different, I'm ready this time. I am! Well, I will be once I get a financial base I can stand on to move forward with.
Anyways, that's it for this evening I suppose... I feel a bit better. I'm starting to think I understand my bff's depression more than she knows... I'm fighting to tread waters, but feel like I'm slowly no succeeding - I need to pull out of this soon, quick! Now would be ideal.... =(
