I don't know what or how I feel...

I want to know how I feel...

I wish I knew how to feel... I can't bring myself to hold him, to be near him really... To make him feel like I want to stay just in case I go.  I fear.  I am sad.  I am confortable in my unhappiness to a degree, but I am quickly growing uncomfortable.  What am I going to do?!  I have options but I do not want to depend on my friends, I need to stand on my own two feet and take care of my children, but I'm scared of failing.

Pro's to leaving:

• I'll be happier.
• My daughter will feel happier.
• I'll be able to search for that one person I'd die for...
• I'll be able to fall in love with my soul mate.
• We will be able to move forward in life without having to live up to expectations...
• I'll be able to crate the childhood for my children I want for them instead of compromising what I want for what my husband wants.
• More to come....

Cons to Leaving:

• It'll be hard.
• I'll have to raise my children all by myself.
• I'll finally be able to manage my own life/finances.
• I'll be able to breathe... Even though It'll be hard, I can do it.
• I'll be able to take back my bubble.
• More to come...

Issues I have with my husband:

• We're opposites personality-wise.
• Everything I do/say/feel has to be challeneged.
• I get more guilt trips than not...
• He's neat-freakish, I'm a lived in type.
• When we 'make love'
• I feel nothing emotional.
• I can't connect to him.
• I don't want to kiss him.
• I don't want to cuddle him (and I know there's something wrong there because I am a huge cuddler!)
• I'm not into some of the same sexual stuff he's into...
• He guilts me into sex sometimes...
• This period I've pretended it's longer just so I don't have to have sex with him...
• I don't feel the want/desire/need to pleasure him... 
• I can't be me... My daughter can't be herself because she "annoys him".  

I have spent my time debating between coming and going... Going is my final choice, but taking that step is feeling very difficult to do - again.  I'm scared.  Nothing worth doing is easy, but it's still emotionally hard.  I'm afraid my children will suffer because of my decision.

I have to find a way not to fear such a significant change... Change is good, right?  I should welcome something that's gonna be so amazing for us.  Hard, but amazing.

Will I fall in love again?  Will someone fall in love with me...?  So many questions... So many fears.  But I have to figure it out pronto, I only live life once and my kids are only children once...

The clock is ticking...

*Tick*


*Tock*


*Tick*



*Tock....*