How we tell a 9 year old that "Mommy Doesn't Love Daddy Anymore?"

Backtracking, slightly...

Approximately 3 days ago?  I seperated from my husband.  I came out of the bathroom and made the choice to just come out with it - I was tired of living like we were seperated without the understanding that we were... We sat on the couch and I told him after a few long moments of silence that "I don't think I can do this anymore..."... He argued with me on and off, his main topics included but were not limited to:

• Him: "You've dwelled to much on this? 
• Me: Of course I have, if I'd made the choice in the snap of a finger, you'd be concerned
• Him: "It's winter and it's dark and people get most depressed this time of year"
• Me: I've been feeling this way for some time... Pretty much since we got married... Hardle seasonal.
• Him: "

He asked me if it was my final decision, I said yes - he then seemed like he had hope that I'd come back to  him at some point in the time during my "single life" as he puts it...

We then fast forward to last night where he decides to tell my 9 year old, who's suffered through this once before, he comes out and says to me" "So, are you gonna tell her?"  I look at him blankly and ask "Tell her what?!" He obviously means us breaking up, he then calls her out (keep in mind that she'd just been punished for hitting her brother on the head with a baseball repetitively, so she was on a time out) - she comes out and he looks at me ans asks me again if I am gonna tell her, I'm still confused and then he turns to her and says "Remember when you and mommy and little brother didn't live here before?" She comes back with a hesitant-confused "yes", he then says "Well, it's gonna happen agian - Mommy doesn't love daddy anymore"... That was it, end of story, she started balling - just freaking out - I hugged her and I admit, I glared at him since that was a crass, mean, cruel way to handle it!!!  We were all standing, them on one side of the couch and me on the other... How could he do that to her?!?!?!?!? After I went in and comforted her and told her we'd be okay...

< vent >

After last night's BS, I told my 'husband' that I didn't want to talk to the counselor tonight!   I had enough emotional termoil last night *which obviously doesn't have much to do with the break down of my marriage otherwise it would have been on here* - So, I re-scheduled and carried on with the evening.  Then BOOM!

My daughter went to the washroom, was told to have a drink and go back to bed so she didn't disrupt our son while he was trying and fighting sleep... So she does that, then 10 minutes later-ish, she comes back out and goes to the washroom again, I just look over my shoulder ready to just call her out to me to just talk with her about the reasons why I'd prefer she waited at least a little bit and the reasoning behind the request... Next thing I know my husband's up off the couch and in the hallway before I have a chance to even say boo, he grabbed her by her arm and yanked her so hard that she fell to the floor and I believe hit the back of the couch - this could have dislocated her shoulder!!! This was HORRIBLE!!! All because he was angry that she disrupted our son as he was trying to sleep... She was in tears, quite obviously and then as she stood up I looked at him sternly and told him that that was NOT okay!!!!  He lectured her and seemed to ignore me then sent her back to her room - I then reamed him and asked him how he would have felt if he'd actually really really hurt her and we had to go to the hospital??? Then what??? He'd be off the jail, that's what!!!  What the FUCK was he thinking?!?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?! He did say sorry to her, but to me that makes no difference... he said sorry to me too, but that makes no difference especially since he was still affirming his reasons for his overreaction... Fuck that, no excuses!!!   He's now trying to be all sweet as pie to me.... Not gonna work!

The countdown begins, actually it began a while ago, I need to get this job this week (I have an interview)... I get this job, my kids and I get out!  Done!  Vamoose!!!  PLEASE! PLEASE! Let me get this job!!! Please!!!

Forget all the reasons...

"forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe the one reason why it will"

Change -is- Hard!

We sit in our comfort zone; in our regular routine, strides and events - We even become comfortable in uncomfortable to prevent pushing through that barrier that thinly slices and differentiates between Comfort and New.

If you think about it stepping into the unknown is like stepping across a bridge between two portions of land where the fog limits your vision to see what's next - You can't even see ground, how soft it might or might not be, if it's grass that's greener or if it's sun-tinged because really it might be worse ~ but keep in mind, there's fertilizer for that! It can be made to be just as green and most likely greener in time.  It's scary... It's down right terrifying!  But when you push yourself and keep positive thoughts in mind you can do anything you put your mind to!  You can proceed to that foreign land with the positive thoughts serving as your fertilizer if the grass isn't as you foresaw it.

That's what happened to me last time... I left, the grass was sun burnt with patches of green that I seeked refuge on when I could - those times were good, but the times my feet landed on the bad grass I freaked out, my emotions fell out of whack and I leaned to hard on those closest to me which lead me to landing on cold hard cement and scaring me back to the grass that was already mowed and green with fewer tinges of brown (my marriage) - but those tinged brown portions now I see just get worse, they grow in intensity because on this side of things, those spots represent my unhappiness and the green represents the comfort.... I came back for this?  Yup, I did... But I know this time around that I don't belong here.

This is not my home.  This is not my fate.  This is not my happy place - This house is cold to me, my husband is nothing but financial support and someone I get along with on a friendship basis, if anything.  I care about him, yes - but we are two people of such incredible opposites that it's unmanageable and basically like trying to force two same polarized magnets together - it doesn't work.

So now it's time for me to gather the funds I have and push past what is 'comfortable'.  I gotta slice through that forceful that presses against my skin in a defiant manner and make a new comfort zone with just me and my kids.  I can take care of us, his beliefs and opinions don't matter to me - his idea's and gilded cage need to be tossed into a rust heap - I'm done!

I don't have much fear anymore, my anxiety and stress come in bursts but I can do it.  I love me, I love my kids and we deserve the world.  This time the help that is offered I will lean on lightly and treat on my own... I can do this!

Wish me luck! =)  Monday, here I come!

To leave and re-build...

Sure, it'll be hard but with a plan in mind it should be somewhat painless and definitely more painless than staying here. 

Step 1/Step 2 (these one's kinda either go one bfore the other, or at the same time, depending): Get a job, Move in with Kat.

Step 3: Re-build a routine for the kids and I.

Step 4: Apply for all subsdities (Rent, Child Care/etc...)

Step 5: Rent us an apartment/Rent a house with a roomate or two.

Step 6: Set out a financial outline & Pay off my bankrupcy/Student Loans.

Step 7: Go back to school

It will be okay...  We will make it and I feel very good about it!  I want to move forward and learn to be on my own with my kids, and I also hope to fall in love with a man that will love me for me and treat my kids with respect...

These are my hopes and wishes.

I can do this!

I feel sick...

The past week has been littered with sadness, ANXIETY, nausia, tears, fears, among other emotions that make me feel like this relationship is tearing me apart from the inside out - My stomach is in some knots and I feel sick on and off... I hate this. 

I am usually happy, positive, always looking up - glass is half full type.  Right now I feel like I'm treading water to keep my nose above the surface and stay happy.  I want to push things forward quicker - The initial idea was to wait it out, stock-pile money and get a job - but by the time I do that I'm gonna be physically and emotionally dwindled to nothing and the person I am, the one I'm trying to salvage by leaving this relationship in the first place will be smothered by the anxiety and sadness. 

So, the plan is that I move in with one of my GF's... Our plan wasn't gonna happen so soon, but as I told her tonight, I can't be here anymore.  I can't be with him anymore.   I can't subject myself to this bull shit...

This morning my 'husband' heard our youngest saying "Ow, ow ow" (he says this when in pain or uncomfortable - he has an issue really telling what the word means) - so 'hubby' went downstairs and insteantly started freaking out... It appears the oldest (9 years old) had a pen and was drawing on her brother which was the reason he was saying "Ow", he from what I can tell, grabbed her and forced her into the bathroom because when he asked her if she had a pen she said no and in such detail - she lied!  I agree, this is worth punishment but to physically force her into the bathroom and then he forced soap into her mouth causing her to say "Ow", and with her, she knows the meaning.  Then he closed the bathroom door (that bathroom has no window) and turned off the light - leaving her alone, crying with soap in her mouth in the dark!  IS that not abuse?!?!  I'm done!!!! I'm so fucking done!!! He treats her nicely on a day to day basis, but it's those times when he snaps and I can hear the rage in his voice and the fear in hers.... It hurts me and it hurts her. 

Fuck!  It's so hard - but I have to.  The schedule has to be pushed up and this has to be done!  She deserves better, and I deserve to be happy.  I deserve love and so do my children.

I don't know what or how I feel...

I want to know how I feel...

I wish I knew how to feel... I can't bring myself to hold him, to be near him really... To make him feel like I want to stay just in case I go.  I fear.  I am sad.  I am confortable in my unhappiness to a degree, but I am quickly growing uncomfortable.  What am I going to do?!  I have options but I do not want to depend on my friends, I need to stand on my own two feet and take care of my children, but I'm scared of failing.

Pro's to leaving:

• I'll be happier.
• My daughter will feel happier.
• I'll be able to search for that one person I'd die for...
• I'll be able to fall in love with my soul mate.
• We will be able to move forward in life without having to live up to expectations...
• I'll be able to crate the childhood for my children I want for them instead of compromising what I want for what my husband wants.
• More to come....

Cons to Leaving:

• It'll be hard.
• I'll have to raise my children all by myself.
• I'll finally be able to manage my own life/finances.
• I'll be able to breathe... Even though It'll be hard, I can do it.
• I'll be able to take back my bubble.
• More to come...

Issues I have with my husband:

• We're opposites personality-wise.
• Everything I do/say/feel has to be challeneged.
• I get more guilt trips than not...
• He's neat-freakish, I'm a lived in type.
• When we 'make love'
• I feel nothing emotional.
• I can't connect to him.
• I don't want to kiss him.
• I don't want to cuddle him (and I know there's something wrong there because I am a huge cuddler!)
• I'm not into some of the same sexual stuff he's into...
• He guilts me into sex sometimes...
• This period I've pretended it's longer just so I don't have to have sex with him...
• I don't feel the want/desire/need to pleasure him... 
• I can't be me... My daughter can't be herself because she "annoys him".  

I have spent my time debating between coming and going... Going is my final choice, but taking that step is feeling very difficult to do - again.  I'm scared.  Nothing worth doing is easy, but it's still emotionally hard.  I'm afraid my children will suffer because of my decision.

I have to find a way not to fear such a significant change... Change is good, right?  I should welcome something that's gonna be so amazing for us.  Hard, but amazing.

Will I fall in love again?  Will someone fall in love with me...?  So many questions... So many fears.  But I have to figure it out pronto, I only live life once and my kids are only children once...

The clock is ticking...

*Tick*


*Tock*


*Tick*



*Tock....*

She deserves better, and so do I...

So last night I talked to my husband about how he treats my daughter - a most recent being this: Blog post here. He admitted it was wrong, I told him that it was coming down to me choosing (again) between him and the best interest of my daughter.  He is irritated with her daily, he can't stand her voice and gets incredibly frusterated over just her saying "thank you" or "Hi daddy, how was your day?", he snaps sometimes, other times he'll ignore her because he wants her to stop talking.  He told me he'd try harder, he'd try for a week then progress from there... Is this enough?  He's done this before - he gets into this fad for a short time (aka: honeymoon phase) and then regresses slowly, this always happens!  The counselor said i'd have to remind him repetatively to re-do the new habit... But should I have to tell him to be nice to my daughter?  Should I have to remind him to love her?  I don't think so.............

I've decided I'm done!  He doesn't know this yet, but I can't stand it anymore!  When I'm at home now I feel so wound up that I can nearly not breathe, I can't eat and I feel sick to my stomach to a certain degree.... Stress is wrapping around me and creating issues accompanied by anxiety.  I fear, but at the same time, I'm starting to fear both situations equally.  IF I stay, When I go... Both of these idea's are scary... But I gotta go.  I should not have to change 80% of who he is to make -me- happy... This isn't fair to either of us.  He also doesn't seem to like completely who I am, and I should not have to sacrifice who I am to be with him... Time to go.  He doesn't know yet because I'm lining up all my lil duckies: a job, subsdities, and money.  I can't leave again empty handed and with nothing to support me again!  I don't want to flee back this time around... The kids and I are capable of doing this on our own... It's just gonna take some time. I also have not told him that I love him in two days, this is getting under his skin, I can see it - but how can I tell him something that's not true?

I love my kids and an unhappy mommy makes unhappy kids...  I live only one life, I can't live it uncomfortably numb.