We sit in our comfort zone; in our regular routine, strides and events - We even become comfortable in uncomfortable to prevent pushing through that barrier that thinly slices and differentiates between Comfort and New.
If you think about it stepping into the unknown is like stepping across a bridge between two portions of land where the fog limits your vision to see what's next - You can't even see ground, how soft it might or might not be, if it's grass that's greener or if it's sun-tinged because really it might be worse ~ but keep in mind, there's fertilizer for that! It can be made to be just as green and most likely greener in time. It's scary... It's down right terrifying! But when you push yourself and keep positive thoughts in mind you can do anything you put your mind to! You can proceed to that foreign land with the positive thoughts serving as your fertilizer if the grass isn't as you foresaw it.
That's what happened to me last time... I left, the grass was sun burnt with patches of green that I seeked refuge on when I could - those times were good, but the times my feet landed on the bad grass I freaked out, my emotions fell out of whack and I leaned to hard on those closest to me which lead me to landing on cold hard cement and scaring me back to the grass that was already mowed and green with fewer tinges of brown (my marriage) - but those tinged brown portions now I see just get worse, they grow in intensity because on this side of things, those spots represent my unhappiness and the green represents the comfort.... I came back for this? Yup, I did... But I know this time around that I don't belong here.
This is not my home. This is not my fate. This is not my happy place - This house is cold to me, my husband is nothing but financial support and someone I get along with on a friendship basis, if anything. I care about him, yes - but we are two people of such incredible opposites that it's unmanageable and basically like trying to force two same polarized magnets together - it doesn't work.
So now it's time for me to gather the funds I have and push past what is 'comfortable'. I gotta slice through that forceful that presses against my skin in a defiant manner and make a new comfort zone with just me and my kids. I can take care of us, his beliefs and opinions don't matter to me - his idea's and gilded cage need to be tossed into a rust heap - I'm done!
I don't have much fear anymore, my anxiety and stress come in bursts but I can do it. I love me, I love my kids and we deserve the world. This time the help that is offered I will lean on lightly and treat on my own... I can do this!
Wish me luck! =) Monday, here I come!
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