I don't expect him to fucking understand... (a MAJOR tmi post)...

So, women ejaculate... This is a well known fact, and a fairly popular one recently. Something I have been trying to achieve for years...

Today, I kinda did... Not gonna swoop into to much detail with that... The base of this post has to do with the clisterfuck of emotions following, later in the evening.

He (hubby) discovered the towel I'd used to protect the bed in case of "showers?" during my self exploration masturbation session earlier in the day... I have no comfortable term for this so that'll have to do... Anyways, he was walking around the house smelling it (cause I forgot it on the floor beside the bed, oops..ugh.) he's saying how it smells funny, kinda like urine.. Asked if there were any accidents or whatever, I am standing in thenlivingroom stunned - embarrassed! Embaressed to the point where I don't even want to confess! He then majes the correlation between the existing evidence (towel, it's location, it's 'scent', the unknown/embarrassed look on my face and BOOM, he asks "did you female ejaculate???"... The loook on his face isn't translating for me because I'm still suffering from embarrassment... I confess to my dirty-'fun' earlier in the day and just kinda hid in the bedroom after my slipped confession. I'm suffering from that wonderful monthly 'gift' as it hit me a few hours after with a bit of an emotional and crampy vengance - as if it had backpay to collect. Now he's excited/confused and trying to pry details outmode me of which I'm still embarrassed about... He's upset that I did that and didn't tell him before and that I didn't involve him, oh, and that I won't please him now (after all the embarrassments taken place and the periods twisted my emotions to a slightly unreal mess - he's mad, he expects me to just be like 'ok, let's talk abbot my kinky adventure while your sitting on the edge of the bed quite obviously flustered and upset... And me, I should be able to sweep my shit pile of emotions under the bed and peruse this... Whatever! I'm sorry I can't verbally fuck in a bad mood! I'm sorry I won't fuck you while cramping, crying and embarrassed! Wait, ya know what? I'm not sorry one but! I DONT WANT TO - don't fucking guilt me with this "I haven't gotten off in there days shit", who's problem is that???? You have a hand and a nice sleugh of sex toys, USE THEM!

I cry & tell him he doesn't understand, he tells me that this discussion pretty much doesnt warrant my tears - i glare - gets nearly offended and goes downstaitars to most likely fuck himself. Good. Good Night!

(please forgive my typing errors - this was typed on my iPad....)

Some things should not be said... Ever!

So lil miss (my 9 year old) came out asking what a small mark on her forhead was (it was and is a pimple), she then exclaims that "it's ugly!"  she said it a few times - My husband then says after visibly becoming annoyed and possibly even offended due to his past acne problem and even sometimes current... He then says "What does that make you?!?!", referring to her as what she's referring to her pimple as. 

What an ASS!  Yes, I talked to him about it, as he continued to defend what he said, I got quite upset with him - he's now in the kitchen cleaning...

How do you remove bricks from a wall that have been cemented in since you were a child?

Answer: I have no freakin idea!

This is a continuation from the first post from today...

He decided to come talk to me about it, to express how upset he was... claimed that i do nothing but brush off his emotions... Wa-BAM! I felt the wall take it's full stance against him, even my body language screamed "get the fuck away from me"... I felt that 'little girl' holding me practiclly by my throat in a way preventing me from conversing as some might have - I was ballsy at some points when I did talk, but otherwise leaned as far away as I could and even after the conversation when things should have been resolved, inside me, they weren't. *scoffs*, they aren't. 

I'm honestly not sure if this marriage is salvageable.  Is my inner child preventing the progress/responsible for the regress?  Do I really not love him, or is this way of protecting myself from a probably disaster? 

I.Don't.Know.

No behaviours noted today, but frusteration....Oi!

 The therapist kept asking me why I don't confront issues with my husband... Well, one example of a possible reason is:  Tonight I was asking him what he wanted for Christmas, he threw out a few idea's but only a few, as I was going through I waited a bit and asked him again he then proceeded to tell me he was really tired but said it in a tone that was more grating than informing so I just told him "Whatever then...", he then started in with that tone that he takes on when he's feeling 'hurt' (which happens FREQUENTLY, it seems I'm hurting his feelings almost daily and he makes me feel as if I have no right to do that - or have my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc...) - He then walked off, told me I was rude.  Now he's in another room, evading the issue which then pisses me off that much more... I hope he goes to his JW thing tonight...

The child within is ripping me a new one apparently...

So, I had a conversation with the counselor tonight... I started out hesitant, but then kinda let a bit loose on him... Fun, right?

The just of his response after I layed out the past physical abuse my mother went through repetatively when I was a child due to her ex-bf's drunken rages, the one's I'd have to repetatively call 911 on and eventually witnessed him (after they broke up) burning down my old home (we'd moved out by this point, long ago) trying to kill himself and his dog within it....

The wall I throw up, my lack of ability to confront issues, even my lack of ability to address something as wrongly given change or the wrong brand of soda (I'll just take what I'm given basically and just nod and smile... it's not worth the confrontation in my eyes).. This is apparently all small portions of my inner child protecting me (yes, I know this sounds like such a funny psychology type cliche, it made me giggle a little here and there)...  This wall flys up to guard me from confrontation because my inner-child is in fear that it's gonna get really bad, so I then shut down and call it quits on the subject to prevent anything bad...  Makes sense, strangely enough.  My anxiety is caused by this as well - and an odd thought of the moment is that this is just a prime example how doctors treat symptoms, not the real problem (I'd been given ativan for my anxiety... the underlying issue never got treated). 

Now my "assignment" is to note every time I avoid confrontation... Ever.Single.Time.  Wish me luck?  Perhaps I'll blog my daily discoveries...

No More Excuses... Forward Only!

So my 'bestest bestie' & I had a heart to heart - sure it was accompanied by some alcohol, but it put absolutely everything into perspective. 

When we get together it's like we throw everything that's important in the time we haven't seen eachother into that evening - it was nice, because with her I hide nothing, I have no reason to.  I hate hiding. 


We talked about why she's pulled away so much from me and ya know what?  I understand!  It's a tuff luv typa thing, she's tired of hearing me talk about the negatives and sadness in my life and wants me to just do something about it... I understand that.  Once I hit the ground running as a single mother, she'll be here in the way she was before but I won't expect 98% of what she gave me last time... I understand that, and I think the over-support was possibly a portion of what made me kinda weak last time to, I need to rough it out to endure it on my own - I just need to know that I have at least one person who's gonna be my Girl-Friday... I want her as my friend and she is... but I need me.  I can do this...

Today the preparation starts!  More action, less talk.

Rob Thomas - Someday (Video)

The song of the day! Perhaps even month... Now until I figure my life out..

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

Counselling cracks me like an egg...

Tonight we had our first on the phone counseling appointment.  I had low expectations of it I admit, but it ended up making me realize that there's a lot more to this than I'd thought...

He acts like my father!

He wants me to be like him pretty much... My "Decisions" in life aren't the same he'd have made in the same situation... ya know, he's responsible!... Fuck that! I'm NOT HIM!......One day, maybe, he'll understand that.

His fatherly tendencies are the reason I don't act as he'd expected, why would I do that? Why would I do 'what I'm told'?   When did it happen that I grew up but stayed a child only to be fathered by a different father that isn't really my father - ESPECIALLY when my father didn't really father me in the first place.. Right?!  Seriously, what the fuck?! 

Then there's my walls that I've realized I have up all the time, not at full force, but they're always there to a certain degree.  I only have it up towards him though... I don't want him near me, to touch me, to even hold me... or even have sex with me most nights.  I don't want to kiss him.  My wall is always up.  Now the question the counselor poses to me is "Do you want to take that wall down?  Are you ready for that?"... Am I?  Answer unknown.  I don't even know what the base of this wall looks like, what makes him think I want to dig down and see?  I mean, I probably should... I should........

One damn thing after another damn thing!

Today, my kids dragged me out of the wrong side of the bed with a thud, not in a literal fashion but they might as well of.

The older of the two dragged her heels getting ready for school this morning so her step-dad left her at home due to impatience (which was partially understandable).  I then called her up soon after asking her to get dressed, she said okay and toddled on down the stairs... I check on her in 30 mins, nothing!  She's playing!  I then ask her again, more sternly this time... 20 mins later, STILL nothing, in fact now she's doing something she's not suppose to be, still not dressed.  Next request, still nothing!  It wasn't until I raised my voice considerably to get her to get in gear!  Finally, she's dressed!  But, she's wearing a nice shirt with -sweat- pants!  Yikes!  Ask her to change her bottoms, she changes into a different colored pair of sweat pants!  *Eye roll, followed with a heavy frustrated sigh*, I send her to change yet AGAIN, finally, a nice pair of jeans with her nice shirt.  Sucess!  Now, to battle the hair and teeth brushing... You guessed it, forever later, finally done!  I get her little brother ready, he's nothing but crying and kicking, obviously not feeling well (we are all either just getting over a cold, or are on our ways to getting over it...), I get him dressed and off we go, it's NOON!  I drop her off at school, then head to the mall to visit a friend and get some photos for the little guy with firemen, that was fun... mostly... other than the fact that my lil guy wouldn't wear the jacket or put on the hat.... Finally, i get him to at least wear the hat, but I had to too.. *Click* Yay, photo!

Move forward with the day, I come home and rest... sorta, promptly I gotta go get Tanisha, then went to see a friend to get a DVD, on the way back from there I'm turning out of the street and this one guy, who has his signal on (Signal = turning, right?), newp.  He nearly t-bones me because he apparently has no idea he's signalling and I'd been fooled to think he was actually going to follow through because he'd slowed down a bit... You can guess the nasty look and hand signals i got from him!  *insert anotehr eye-roll here!*.

Parts of the day are a blur, we get the general stuff done - complaning children, whiney toddler, talkative intermediate student... It comes around Dinner time and I receive a text from my daughters father's wife explaining to me that a friend of theirs is on life-support and in the hospital, okay... That, in my eyes should not interfere with a court-set schedule, plus, if this was me I'd have to arrange a sitter, pay that sitter, and ya know, if i found a sitter in the first place (rare), but we'll say i did... then go!  Do I have the luxury of calling her 'father' up saying "oh, yada yada yada, can you keep her longer?", no!  Schedule, schedule, schedule!  Plus, she's looking forward to see him!  Is it fair that she suffers because of something that's out of everyone's control, plus, I guess what pissed me off most is that when they requested to come get her the next morning she didn't actually request, she told me!  When I came back at her with a bit of irritation explaining to her why this is so not okay, she then admits it was -apparently- her grandfather, okay - so slightly different story, but regardless, my daughter's 'father' is capable of driving we think...?  After a few irritating text messages that just increase in annoying tones, it ceases with a "we'll be there to get her tonight, soon :)"... Kay... Great, when?  She -does- have a bed time, and a set expectation for him to come get her.  My daughter insted on calling him, so she did... he gave her a semi-indefinite answer leaving her sad and uncertain.  I shortly after that get a text that says "I'm on my way (this is the wife who's grandfather is on life support), make sure she's ready".. Um, what?!  Seriously?!  They're the one's who are 2 hours + late and they're telling me what to do?  She's been ready since half an hour before they were suppose to be here!  I inform her of this, she then tells me that she doesn't need my attitude, have her ready... I felt like saying "Fuck you!", but I realize I'm having a bad day so I refrain and just shake my head and move on... Finally, her father comes and gets her, late!  Past her bedtime.

Now, my next dilemma is un-hurting my husbands feelings - why are his feelings hurt you ask?  Because he was ranting in a slightly playful manner about 'there's pork in the ingredients of these beans but I have yet to find pork in here, we should email them.... yada yada" this is where I tuned out and snapped telling him I quite honestly didn't care about the beans, they were the last thing on my mind at that moment... Now, he's upset.  What's new?! He's evolved into a woman it seems now-a-days, his feelings are constantly getting hurt, I can't do shit right and I might as well toss my cards in as his wife because I fail at it!  Fuck it! I am irritated as all hell when it comes to my marriage, but I suppose that's a whole other blog post... or is it not?  Since this is primarily a venting forum for me when others are unavailable.  So much for that.  I'm just gonna start coming here when I need to vent, at least I can depend on it - sure it fails as a sounding board, but what the fuck ever.  I luv my gf so much, but sometimes she pulls the seeminly selfish card - there's no communication really, it just wasn't like it was - I miss that, I miss her to her full extent, she's more amazing than I think she even realizes... One day she will.  One day.  But aside from all that, back to the feelings at hand.... she makes me feel like I put a semi-priority on her (my kids are obviously priority), and she put's a hold priory on me - who cares, right?  Perhaps it's my perception, I know she's busy and I know she's depressed, but it still hurts me and I'm not sure if she realizes that beyond the basic words I've set out infront of her via msn messenger or texting (Note to all, those are bad ways to communicate). -  To give credit though, a guy-friend of mine has been patient with my ranting texts today, I appreciate that, and I appreciate him.  Sincerely.  I'm sure today woulda been worse if I didn't have him and his cell phone to text-rant at.

I don't like my life, I love my kids - just wish I was in love with the man I was married to.  I wish he loved ME ~ not his idea of me.  I don't necessarily want that fairytail shit, I just want something where I can be me, where I can show someone the real me and know that I'm not gonna get a head shake or a dissapointed down-glance.  I want someone who knows I'm independent and doesn't make frequent attempts to control who I am and what I do - doesn't try to modify me into the typical housewife their mom is... I do my share more when I'm not being held at dick-point to do it!  Fuck, when him and I sperated, I had no probalem with my common chores, taking care of the kids and so on - my only downfall was a lack of money and emotional support.  Next time will be different, I'm ready this time.  I am! Well, I will be once I get a financial base I can stand on to move forward with.

Anyways, that's it for this evening I suppose... I feel a bit better.  I'm starting to think I understand my bff's depression more than she knows... I'm fighting to tread waters, but feel like I'm slowly no succeeding - I need to pull out of this soon, quick!  Now would be ideal.... =(