Tonight we had our first on the phone counseling appointment. I had low expectations of it I admit, but it ended up making me realize that there's a lot more to this than I'd thought...
He acts like my father!
He wants me to be like him pretty much... My "Decisions" in life aren't the same he'd have made in the same situation... ya know, he's responsible!... Fuck that! I'm NOT HIM!......One day, maybe, he'll understand that.
His fatherly tendencies are the reason I don't act as he'd expected, why would I do that? Why would I do 'what I'm told'? When did it happen that I grew up but stayed a child only to be fathered by a different father that isn't really my father - ESPECIALLY when my father didn't really father me in the first place.. Right?! Seriously, what the fuck?!
Then there's my walls that I've realized I have up all the time, not at full force, but they're always there to a certain degree. I only have it up towards him though... I don't want him near me, to touch me, to even hold me... or even have sex with me most nights. I don't want to kiss him. My wall is always up. Now the question the counselor poses to me is "Do you want to take that wall down? Are you ready for that?"... Am I? Answer unknown. I don't even know what the base of this wall looks like, what makes him think I want to dig down and see? I mean, I probably should... I should........
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