I feel sick...

The past week has been littered with sadness, ANXIETY, nausia, tears, fears, among other emotions that make me feel like this relationship is tearing me apart from the inside out - My stomach is in some knots and I feel sick on and off... I hate this. 

I am usually happy, positive, always looking up - glass is half full type.  Right now I feel like I'm treading water to keep my nose above the surface and stay happy.  I want to push things forward quicker - The initial idea was to wait it out, stock-pile money and get a job - but by the time I do that I'm gonna be physically and emotionally dwindled to nothing and the person I am, the one I'm trying to salvage by leaving this relationship in the first place will be smothered by the anxiety and sadness. 

So, the plan is that I move in with one of my GF's... Our plan wasn't gonna happen so soon, but as I told her tonight, I can't be here anymore.  I can't be with him anymore.   I can't subject myself to this bull shit...

This morning my 'husband' heard our youngest saying "Ow, ow ow" (he says this when in pain or uncomfortable - he has an issue really telling what the word means) - so 'hubby' went downstairs and insteantly started freaking out... It appears the oldest (9 years old) had a pen and was drawing on her brother which was the reason he was saying "Ow", he from what I can tell, grabbed her and forced her into the bathroom because when he asked her if she had a pen she said no and in such detail - she lied!  I agree, this is worth punishment but to physically force her into the bathroom and then he forced soap into her mouth causing her to say "Ow", and with her, she knows the meaning.  Then he closed the bathroom door (that bathroom has no window) and turned off the light - leaving her alone, crying with soap in her mouth in the dark!  IS that not abuse?!?!  I'm done!!!! I'm so fucking done!!! He treats her nicely on a day to day basis, but it's those times when he snaps and I can hear the rage in his voice and the fear in hers.... It hurts me and it hurts her. 

Fuck!  It's so hard - but I have to.  The schedule has to be pushed up and this has to be done!  She deserves better, and I deserve to be happy.  I deserve love and so do my children.